


Now I wanna take off my mask and tell you the truth

by yoonjaekyun



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Choi Jongho-centric, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Nightmares, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, dont read if these will trigger you pls!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2019-12-30 05:59:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18309602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoonjaekyun/pseuds/yoonjaekyun
Summary: Jongho hasn't been feeling the best and his members hate to see him like this.





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure what this is, but I felt like writing this down.
> 
> This could be read as either poly!ateez or just a general Jongho-centric fic I suppose.
> 
> I love Jongho sm and felt like making this centered around him (sorry for making you like this in my story, bud)
> 
> (title from Heart by 100%)

Jongho wakes up with a jolt, awaking from a nightmare that was so terrible, yet he could barely remember. All he knows he that it made him want to cry. The last thing he wants to do is wake up one of the other members, especially Mingi who was laying not too far from him. He definitely did not want to go back to sleep at the moment, though.

 

He leaves his warm blanket and walks out to the living area, sitting on the couch and running his hands over his face. He looks up to check the time on the clock on the opposite wall. 4:27. They were on an off day anyway, Jongho thought. 

 

Lately, he has been having more and more nightmares. It did not help that the cause of more and more nightmares was his growing self-hate and anxiousness of whether or not he is good enough to be in the group. He doubts himself everyday. He’s just glad his members haven’t caught on to him having nightmares. Usually, they aren’t that bad, and he can fall asleep after an hour or so. But now, he feels really worked up and is trying his hardest to not burst into tears.

 

A couple hours pass, and he is still on the couch, wide awake. It is now almost 7, all of the other members still sleeping. He knows they will most likely sleep in since they have been working so hard lately and they finally have time for themselves. He smiles to himself at the thought of hs dear members. He would really do anything for them. But maybe they don’t want anything from him.

 

The bad thoughts circle in his head once again. He isn’t talented enough. He’s annoying. He brings the group down, has nothing to bring. He doesn’t do enough for his members. 

 

Suddenly, he’s crying, and he cannot seem to stop himself.

 

A loud sob escapes his mouth and he quickly cover it with his hand. He knows it’s no use, but he really does not want to take a chance of anyone else hearing him. His hand is no use, though, as he only starts to cry harder and louder. 

 

Eventually, he hears someone walk out of their room. He mentally curses himself for being so attention-seeking, so annoying. He tries to wipe at his eyes even though he understands it’s to use. He hiccups a little, trying to calm down a bit. He finally looks up, seeing Mingi standing in the hallway across from him, blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He gulps, trying hard to keep his tears back.

 

“Jongho? What’s wrong?” He says in a concerning tone. Never has he seen Jongho seem this emotional.

 

Jongho suddenly feels ten times worse. He didn’t want any of the members to worry about him. He stands up from the couch, already crying again, and walks slowly over to Mingi. He wraps his arms around Mingi’s waist and buries his face in between his neck and shoulder.

He starts sobbing loudly again, not even thinking about how much noise he’s making.

 

“M-Mingi, I’m so sorry. Please don't hate me”. He cries, pushing himself into Mingi even more. 

 

Mingi wraps his arms and blanket around Jongho’s body, slightly rocking him from where they are standing. He obviously has no idea what Jongho is apologizing for, as he did nothing wrong from what he is aware.

 

“Jong, baby, calm down, please. I need you to talk to me, okay?” Mingi says softly into Jongho’s ear. Jongho nods, but doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself from crying for more than a few seconds.

 

Hearing all the commotion, San and Wooyoung walk out with the same confusion Mingi did at first. They’re shocked at first when they see a completely distressed Jongho, but quickly overcome the shock and walk over to where he and Mingi stand.

 

“Jongho, what’s wrong, huh? You need to calm down a bit. You’re getting really worked up,” Wooyoung says, rubbing the back of Jongho’s neck. The latter tries to slow his breathing, taking deep breaths over and over, but breaks out into sobs again.

 

_ Fuck, Jongho. Stop crying! You woke them up and they’re clearly annoyed. _

 

He buries his face further into Mingi’s neck, mumbling incoherent apologies. The three boys all share a concerned and sad look, really wanting to know what has affected their youngest so much. Mingi puts a hand on the back of his neck and the other on his shoulder, pushing him slightly away. Jongho lets out a small whine, regretting afterwards as he didn’t want to sound clingy.

 

“Can we move to the sofa and sit down, babe?” Mingi asks. Jongho simply nods his head, still hiccuping and crying while rubbing at his eyes harshly. The three lead him to the couch, San sitting down first and pulling the boy to curl up into his lap. Jongho wraps his legs around San’s waist and his arms around his neck, now resting his head on the other’s shoulder. San younger rubs his back softly, shushing Jongho quietly.

 

“Baby, please tell us what’s wrong. We really hate seeing you so worked up. Don’t make yourself sick”. San says, lightly running his hand through Jongho's hair. The latter takes multiple deep breaths, trying hard to stop his body from shaking and his tears from flowing. 

 

_ I should have just tried to go back to sleep. Now, I've put myself in this unnecessary mess. _

 

He hears another person’s footsteps from the other side of the room, but he doesn’t have the energy to lift his head to look. He is so tired and all he wants to do is sleep and postpone the conversation he is going to have to have with the others. He knows he won’t be able to avoid it forever, but he’s willing to wait until later when he isn’t feeling like complete death.

 

Once his breathing slows and his tears stop for the most part, he closes his eyes again and hugs San closer, needing this affection for the moment. San brings him as close as he can, the other two coming closer as well to give attention to their youngest member.

 

“Let him sleep for now. He clearly needs it.” Mingi says softly. Of course, they want to know why made Jongho so upset to the point of him having a breakdown, but they figured it would be better to give him some time.

 

Jongho drifts off to sleep, thinking about his members and hoping that they aren’t annoyed with him as he is with himself.


	2. Two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm... there's not a reason as to why i took so long to update this. (:
> 
> but i will try to not take as long next time!
> 
> also, this is so short i'm sorry.

It doesn’t take long for him to wake up. It’s seven, only a couple hours after he succumbed to sleep. The only person around him is Hongjoong, who is in a half-sitting-half-lying position on the other end of the couch Jongho is also occupying. 

 

_ He looks uncomfortable. He could’ve been in his bed if I didn’t make a scene. _

 

Jongo hasn’t forgotten anything that happened a few hours ago. He wishes he could have woken up and it all have been a dream, but that was sadly not the case. And since everything was indeed real, he’d have to face the members sooner or later.

 

He knows they care about him, and he knows they only want to ask him questions because they want to help. He is aware of all of this. This doesn’t change Jongho’s thought process at all, though. No matter how many times they say he is not and will never be a burden, he thinks he will be. He knows he will be. He cares too much about them to pile his issues on top of the issues they most likely have already.

 

He contemplates on what to do. Running away from the problem at hand is not the best option, but waiting for his members to wake up and question him is not the ideal option. 

 

_ Why can’t this be any easier? _

 

His body works faster than his mind, and suddenly his shoes are on, jacket over his shoulders, and feet out the door. 

 

He walks without a destination in mind. He just had to get out of there before his head exploded. Going out for some fresh air was the best solution he could think of at the moment, and it was going to have to suffice for now.

 

Jongho has felt stressed about many things in his life, but he can easily say that this moment has already topped a lot of those things. He cannot tell if he is making everything seem harsher than it is, or if he isn’t taking anything with as much seriousness as he should. His judgment is clouded. His mind is jumbled with multiple things at once and he was starting to get a headache. He feels dizzy and sick to his stomach. Levels of anxiety were rising with every passing minute and he believes he may collapse in the middle of the pavement.

 

But he doesn’t, and he continues to walk.

 

Nothing seems right anymore. Everything he does is wrong. His sleep habits are completely messed up, as well are his eating habits. The relationship he has with his members seems to be fading, and it’s all his fault. He is simply an unneeded part to a perfectly fine piece. He ruins everything.

 

_ Breathe, Jongho, breathe. Don’t work yourself up again in public. _

Time passes without him realizing, and suddenly hours have passed since he left. He knows he should head back home, as much as he would rather stay outside. He never even grabbed his phone, a stupid move on his part. Everyone is probably wondering where he went off to. Hopefully, not too worried.

 

_ They know how stupid I am. They’re probably not worried much. _

 

Reluctantly, he turns around and heads the direction towards home.

 

~

 

With his hand on the knob of their front door, he attempts to prepare himself for whatever may happen when he enters. As he pushes the door open slightly, a different hand tugs on the doorknob on the other side, ripping it from Jongho’s grasp. On the other side stands Yunho, his eyes widening as he sees Jongho staring wide-eyed back at him.

 

“Choi Jongho! You realize you left without your phone, right?” Yunho takes ahold of Jongho’s wrist and pulls him inside, closing and locking the door afterward. Jongho lowers his stare to the ground.

 

“Yes, I’m aware.”

 

He hears a loud sigh come from the other side of the room. He raises his head and looks toward the direction the noise came from. Hongjoong stares right back at him, a disappointed yet sad look in his eyes. This makes Jongho lower his gaze back to the ground.

 

“Well, are you aware of how worried we got when some of us woke up to find out you disappeared?” Hongjoong starts, standing up from his spot on the couch and walking towards Jongho. “You definitely were not in a good state of mind earlier, and we were afraid you were going to make some bad deci-”.

 

Jongho shakes his head and interrupts the older’s sentence before he could get the last word out. “I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about what I do”.

 

The seven other boys look up at him in some sort of disbelief, but Seonghwa speaks up.

“We will always worry about what you do. We care about you. There’s a reason we didn’t want you walking around by yourself, especially without any of us knowing. You think we like seeing you so upset?”

 

“Do you think I like being this upset?” Jongho raises his head and his voice.  _ What do they not understand _ ? “I’m an adult. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need any of you over my shoulder every time I want to do something”.

 

_ Yikes, Jongho. You really should have said something completely different, asshole. _

 

Yunho gives him a stern look, visibly becoming irritated. “What the hell are you going on about? We know you’re an adult! Does you being an adult automatically mean we can’t worry or care about you? We just want to know what had you so sad.”

 

“Stop worrying! There’s nothing wrong! We all get sad at times”, the youngest says loudly, rubbing at his face harshly. “You are all being ridiculous. Leave me alone. I’m perfectly fine”.

 

He attempts to walk as quickly as he can away from them all but feels a hand grab him by the forearm. He is quick to yank his arm away, though, turning around to meet Yeosang’s hurt expression. Jongho shakes his head, letting out one last huff.

 

“We have stuff to get done. Forget anything happened if you care so much about me”. He says his final words and walks into one of the rooms, slamming the door behind him.

 

_ God dammit, Jongho. You’ve really messed it up this time.  _


	3. Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short (what else is new) im sorry!!! but i have more written, just wanna split it up bc why not
> 
> ty for all the nice comments ily all!(:

The slam of the door echoes throughout the place, leaving the remaining members in disbelief. There was still no clear reason as to why their youngest has been acting the way he has. Up until his breakdown that happened the previous day, he was pretty good at hiding his emotions, never failing to be his dorky self around the other seven boys. There is nothing else they want more at this moment than to bring back the silly Jongho they all know.

 

Of course, though, they don’t want to push him. The more uncomfortable they make him, the likelihood that he is to close off more than he already has increases. As much as they want him to tell them everything that is on his mind, it’s a risky move. It would be best to take it slower than to rush things out of him.

 

So, they don’t go after him.

 

Hongjoong lets out a long sigh, going back to sit down on the opposite side of the room from the others. As the leader, he feels most responsible for everyone. In this case, he feels terrible for not noticing any possible signs of Jongho acting different than usual. Jongho may have been good at hiding his true feelings, but that doesn’t make any of the guilt disappear.

 

“You know none of this is your fault, right?”

 

He looks to his left, now noticing Yeosang had taken a seat next to him. He was too deep in his thoughts to notice a few seconds before.

 

He lets out another long sigh. “I know it’s not. It isn’t my fault, nor Jongho’s fault, nor anyone else's fault”. No matter how he feels, he knows it isn’t anyone's fault. It’s not like the others are in control of how their youngest was feeling, and neither is Jongho himself.

 

“The best thing we can do for him right now is to give him his space. He will tell us when he feels comfortable doing so”. Everyone nods in agreement to Wooyoung’s words.

 

Silence then fills the room. It isn’t necessarily a tense or awkward silence, but it’s a needed silence.

 

\-----

 

He heard every word they were saying. And now, he feels even worse about the whole situation and himself. He isn’t sure why he acted like that, but he fully regrets it now.

 

_Good job, now they’re blaming themselves. You just had to be selfish, didn’t you?_

 

When did it become so hard to fight off these emotions? In the past, he would have just went past it, focused on other things. But now, it slowly becomes more difficult to overcome anything. He feels as if he’s falling down into an abyss with no clear way out or around it. There isn’t a light or a sign to guide him through it and he isn’t sure what to do. All he knows is that he wants to do it alone.

 

Jongho doesn’t like depending on other people. He likes to be independent, only having to count on himself. He likes to keep things to himself most of the time. They’re his feelings, his thoughts. Why must he have to share them to anyone else?

Sadly, he realizes not everything is that simple. Sometimes it’s good to let other people know when something is going on, good to let someone know that hey, I could really use some support right now. It’s healthier that way, yet he refuses to do any of that. Instead, he will stick to suppressing his emotions and feeling guilty about it. Yeah.

 

He decides in those few minutes that he would go out there and apologize regardless. Only about ten minutes have passed, but those ten minutes felt like an hour. He was too consumed by his thoughts to care about the time, though.

 

He stands up on wobbly legs and slowly retreats from his room. As soon as he turns the corner, he sees everyone staring at him. He stops suddenly, opening his mouth to say something, but shuts it right after.

 

_What are you going to say to them? You’re sorry that you ruined their moods? Sorry that you can’t be a decent human being for more than an hour?_

 

Why does he suddenly feel like crying again?

 

“Jongho, you okay there? You’re zoning out” Mingi notices he seems slightly out of it, maybe even a little sick. Jongho shakes his head and gives him a small, sad smile.

 

“I’m fine”, Jongho sighs deeply. “I’m sorry I yelled at you all. That was uncalled for. I know you are just trying to help”.

 

The eldest of them walks over to him, grabbing both of his hands and looking him dead in the eye. Jongho feels a little intimidated, if he’s telling the truth. He really hopes he won’t get scolded.

 

“Baby, it’s okay”, Seonghwa starts, letting go of one of Jongho’s hands to run it through the younger’s hair. “You’re just going through a tough time. We aren’t going to force you to talk about it, but if you’re comfortable, let us know how you’re feeling. We don’t want you to go through anything alone”.

 

Oh, how Jongho wants to tell them everything. Yet, there’s still that thing in the back of his head saying he doesn’t need to, _you are your own support system_. And he falls for it again.

 

He looks around the room, making eye-contact with each of the others. He smiles a bit more, attempting to reassure them at least a little bit. “Thank you. I know you’re here for me. But really, I’m okay. Forget what happened yesterday. I will be alright.”

 

He lets go of Seonghwa’s hand and starts to walk back to his room. Slowly, he turns back around to look at them again. “I love you all. I’m tired, so I’m going to take a nap for a bit.”

 

After closing the door to his room once again that day, he sinks into his mattress and shoves his face into the pillow that sits at the head on the bed. Today has felt like the longest day in his life, yet it has just begun. This tension wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, he could sense it.

 

Before he knows it, he’s crying again, and he doesn’t have the energy to stop it.

 

_It’ll be okay, Jongho. One day it will all be over, one way or another._


	4. Four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongho opens up, kinda.

To the other members’ surprise (and delight), Jongho starts to be more energetic and talkative as the days pass. No one is sure what happened, but the youngest is acting two-times happier than he was just days prior. He jokes around with them more, eats meals with them, and seems to enjoy things more.

 

In reality, Jongho just wants to please the others. He doesn’t feel any better than he has; he feels more anxious if anything. Even though he knows it’s probably not the best idea to keep this act up, but he’s rather pretend for a while than have the rest of the boys corner him and get the truth out. It seems to be working so far, so he thinks he can be successful.

 

_ It can’t be that hard, right? _

 

He’s able to get away with it for a couple weeks, thinking he’s doing a pretty damn good job. He should’ve figured one of them would figure it out eventually, but he was trying his hardest. He really hoped that if one of them saw right through him, they would let it go and let him go along with his day. But, nothing was that simple. Nothing seemed to go  _ his _ way.

 

Yeosang was the first to call him out about it. Jongho was grateful that he at least had the decency to drag him somewhere more private before blurting out that he knew the youngest was lying.

 

_ They know you’re a liar. They won’t want to be around a liar. _

 

He takes Jongho outside as the group was taking a break before resuming with their practice. He could see Jongho zone out multiple times. He could see him quickly put a smile on his face when he noticed someone was looking at him or coming his way. He could see how  _ tired _ he was despite his bright but pained smile. He noticed it all, but didn’t want to push him into anything. But, he showed no signs of stopping, so something needs to be said.

 

Once outside, Jongho smiles at Yeosang, internally cringing at the fact that he’s acting oblivious even know he knows for a fact why he was dragged out of the room.

 

“What’s up, Yeosangie? Shouldn’t we be there waiting to start practice again?” 

 

Yeosang frowns slightly, shaking his head slowly. “Practice can wait a few extra minutes. Joong will survive”. He puts his hands on Jongho’s shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes.

 

“I was going to wait until we got back, but I need to say something now before you lock yourself away again,” Yeosang starts, taking a breath before continuing. “I can tell when you aren’t being genuine. You’re not all better. It simply doesn’t work like that. It’s okay, Jongho. You don’t have to act all cheerful in front of us. We worry about you all the time anyways”.

 

The younger’s smile has been wiped off his face by now, replaced with a thin line. He doesn’t know how to express himself. He doesn’t know how to say what he wants without causing too much of a burden on his members,  _ his brothers _ . He wants to spill everything. Even saying something to Yeosang only could potentially lessen the pain in his chest and the nauseous feeling in his gut. 

 

_ All you will ever be is a burden. They just don’t want you causing the group any trouble. _

 

He closes his eyes for a few seconds while reaching up to grab Yeosang’s hands and take them off his shoulders. When he opens them, the other is still giving him that sad, concerned look that he just  _ can’t stand _ .

 

“Can we talk about this later? I promise this time. I will tell you everything. But only you!” He pokes his finger at Yeosang’s chest a few times before resting his arms to his sides. “Promise me you will not tell anyone else what I tell you. Promise that you will be the only one coming to talk to me. Please?” 

 

The almost pleading tone in Jonho’s voice makes Yeosang want to cry. He’s taken aback that he didn’t put up much of a fight, and that he agreed to actually talk about his feelings. He wishes they could get home within the hour, but he knows that isn’t going to happen. Of course, he wants Jongho to tell everyone else, as they may be just as worried as him. Nonetheless, he will take anything that he can get out of their youngest member.

 

“I promise.”

 

✥

_ What the hell were you thinking? Are you stupid? _

 

He kind of regrets telling Yeosang that he would open up to him. He hoped that he’d be so tired after practice that he would just forget about it and fall asleep. Then again, he should know better than to think that he would forget about an issue that has been going on for a good while now, but he could hope.

 

Yeosang doesn’t approach him until the others are either resting or asleep. He brings Jongho into the living area, having him sit on the sofa next to him. He turns his body around, back resting against the arm rest and his front facing Jongho. Yeosang just looks at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. But, he sits there fidgeting picking at his nails.

 

“Jongho. Are you ready? I don’t want you to do anything that is going to stress you out this much, but I think it would be best if you get something off your chest. It can be the smallest thing. Just please, talk to me.” He reaches over and takes Jongho’s right hand, rubbing his thumb over the top of it. The younger takes in a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds.

 

“I want to tell you, but it’s just hard. I don’t even know how or where to start,” he admits, looking Yeosang in the eyes for the first time in a while. The latter lets go of Jongho’s hand to reach up and rub at the back of the boy’s neck.

 

“Take your time. Just know that I won’t judge you for anything. You’re still our Jongho.”

 

Jongho’s chest flutters with those last words. It takes everything in him to not burst into tears before speaking.

 

“You remember when this all started? When I..cried, out of nowhere?” Yeosang hums; he does remember.

 

“I had a nightmare that night. I’ve had them before, but for some reason that night was particularly  _ bad _ . I tried to keep it from you guys, but Mingi caught me basically having a breakdown. That’s all I have been able to think about. I didn’t want you all to see me when I was weak.

 

“I don’t really know when it started. I gradually got more and more tired and unmotivated. It scared me, because you can’t be unmotivated if you’re going to be an idol. So, I tried to hide it. It was alright for a while, but then I started having nightmares. I never feel happy anymore. Of course, I love performing and being with you all, living our dreams. That always makes me happy. But, I still can’t stop myself from feeling some kind of emptiness. I don’t know why, Yeosang, and it scares me. I have these really bad thoughts sometimes and my head hurts constantly. I try to ignore them but is near impossible. They are what scares me the most.

 

“It’s almost like I have no control over my mind at times. It’s almost like I can’t think for myself. There’s  _ something  _ telling me I’m not worthy or being here with you all, not capable of achieving what I want. Sometimes I think of doing something, but I know I’d be regretful of it later. My chest hurts so bad, Yeosang. Please help me.”

 

Jongho can barely finish the last sentence before completely breaking down. Yeosang quickly pulls him close, pressing his head onto his shoulder. It isn’t long before they are both crying.

 

“I am so, so proud of you, baby. Thank you for opening up to me. I will be here with you every step of the way, okay? I’m always here. The others are always here. You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone. I love you so much.” Yeosang lets out a sob at the end of his small speech. He can’t help but be emotional.

 

Finally looking up, Jongho’s overflowing eyes look directly into Yeosang’s again. And, to the latter’s surprise, he smiles. He gives him a  _ genuine  _ smile. 

 

“I appreciate you so much. Please don’t ever leave me. I care about you all too much. I  _ need _ all of you with me,” Jongho admits, hiding his face back in Yeosang’s shoulder. 

 

Even though he couldn’t see, Yeosang smiles back at him. A sad, but meaningful smile. He promises once again to never leave the younger, reassuring him. It’s only soon after that he wears himself out and falls asleep with Yeosang holding him. Although in a rather uncomfortable position, neither find themselves caring enough to move. 

 

The confessions made by Jongho do not make everything all better, but it is surely a great start to helping him out of the darkness in which takes over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ateez roty ateez powerful ateez talented ateez handsome ateez amazing
> 
> all to action album of the year everyone


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